I’ve been blessed. In 2012 I was lucky enough to meet Adriana, the girl that has held my heart ever since. Of course, I’m far away from the couples that have spent several decades together, but in the two and a half years since me and Adriana are a couple, I’ve picked up many important lessons.
I’ve talked about the skill of communication many times before. It is no surprise that this skill is the third layer from the foundation of a happy and fulfilled relationship. (The first two are an alignment of beliefs and mutual trust, respectively)
Today I would like to talk to you about 11 words or short phrases that I personally believe should be left out of any and all conversations. I’ve been guilty of saying them in the past and now feel ashamed each time I mention them and follow up with an honest: I’m sorry!
So, let’s see what we have on today’s menu!
If you’re telling the truth and the other person really *always* does or says something, then pointing it out *yet another time*, will probably not help. Instead of staying in this vicious cycle, decide to break it once and for all. How? By actually helping!
Anyone can complain, and most people do (way too often), but it takes a higher quality of person to notice a disturbance and then calmly find an appropriate solution for everyone.
On the other hand, if it’s NOT true and your partner hasn’t done it 100% of the time, then you’re just lying. As simple as that. Oh, and by the way, your partner *will* consider that you’re lying if they have at least one example of when they didn’t do it!
Much like always, never works the same way. In most cases it’s an exaggeration and even when it’s not, it simply does not help to say it.
Remember, in an equal relationship you are 50% of the problem. Generally speaking, if your couple either does or doesn’t do something, but which ultimately bothers you, it’s usually not with the intention of doing so. They just do it because that’s what they think they should do.
If you think that it’s wrong and/or you can’t stand it when they do it, well then you’re basically asking them to change for you, which is hard enough as it is. So instead of criticizing your partner, why not try to support them on their journey to becoming a better person?
Of course, this rule does *not* apply if you’re a smoker and you would like your partner to be one also. And yes, dumb as it sounds, there are people that started smoking, drinking coffee, watching TV series, drinking alcohol, etc. just because their partner put pressure on them. Sad, but true.
3. We need to talk
Talking never solves anything. Don’t believe me? Just listen to the promises made by the last few presidents of your country. Even if they did do what they promised, things didn’t change because they just talked about it. Things only change when you DO something.
So the next time you want to talk to your partner about something that they did or didn’t do, try to remember that you love that person and be nice to them. Say something along the lines of: “Let’s try to find *a solution* together.” The “We need to talk.” phrase puts in a dose of useless stress that shouldn’t be there to begin with.
4. I hate you
Why? Why would you even say that? I mean I don’t think I ever heard Adriana say it to me, but I have heard it said many times within other relationships. What? Yesterday you loved them and today you hate them? That’s very hard to believe, I’m sorry.
Even if you were in a loving relationship, and then your partner, for whatever reason, cheats on you, why would you fill your soul with emotions such as anger, hate and sorrow? It’s true, you might never learn to fully trust that person afterwards, but at least find whatever drops of love still reside within your heart and ask: “What did or didn’t I do that made you do that?”
As a fast fact, let me just say that men only cheat for sex and women only cheat for love. So if your man has or is thinking of cheating on you, it’s because he is not satisfied with his sex life, and if your woman is thinking of it, then she is probably not loved as she would like to be. You can read more about the five love languages in a previous article.
You should avoid making your partner feel like dumb. You think that you’re smarter? Perfect, then prove it by NOT making your partner feel bad.
I agree, people (me included) have the habit of sometimes doing or saying the stupidest things you’ve ever heard of, but remember: You’re in a relationship to respect, love and support each other, and not to show off.
6. X is more important to you
The fact that someone is passionate about a certain topic does not mean that they care about it more than then do about you. If your couple is a high achiever, then you are NOT his or her only topic of interest. Get used to it or find a couple that just stays home all day and thinks of you.
I spend about 60 hours per week in career-oriented activities and about 30 hours per week with my angel. Does that mean that she is less important than my career? Of course not! But at the same time, I will not give up on my dreams or passions.
We both have more than our fair share of each other’s time. The rest we use for other things such as our health, career, friends and so on. If you have certain issues and strive for love and/or attention, then I suggest raising your own self-esteem. Who knows, maybe if you do, that will indirectly re-ignite your partner’s interest and then they’ll be the one trying to get *your* time.
7. Threatening to end it
Are you committed to your relationship or aren’t you? Make up your mind. If you are, then never, ever, ever threaten your partner with ending it. If you’re not, make sure they know it. They might even think of marrying you, but you’ll just hanging in there, not sure of anything.
If you don’t yet know if they are the right person for you, then I suggest you read one of my previous articles and find out of yourself.
In any case, if your partner is serious about their relationship with you, then threatening to end it will be a huge blow for them. And yes, phrases such as “You should think about if I’m the one you want…” and any other variation that indirectly suggests a breakup, represent a cowardly attempt to place both stress and the responsibility of a decision on the other person.
8. Comparisons with others
Instead of saying that one of your friends’ partner does or does not do a certain thing, find a way to tell your partner that you would like them to do it, but without comparing. Just tell them what you want and why it’s important to you.
Avoid any versions of “Mike’s girlfriend does …” or “Jane’s boyfriend doesn’t …”. Instead, say things such as “Honey, it’s important to me if we … because …. Could we find a solution together that is OK with you?” As you can notice, the first phrases have their roots in a sentiment of desperation, whilst the last ones come from a place of love and commitment.
9. What’s wrong with you?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What answer are you expecting? I’ve heard this an English, Romanian, Hungarian and Spanish. Everywhere you go, you hear people say it. If me, you or anyone else for that matter, has done something dumb, then they either already know they messed up or they believe that that’s what they should do.
If you believe otherwise, well then please state your *personal opinion* in a calm manner and be open minded towards *someone else’s opinion*. The last time I checked, everyone had the right to have one, right?
10. I’m sorry IF…
No. No IFs. You’re sorry FOR, and not if. If you got into an “I’m sorry” discussion, then you *did* do or say something that offended someone else. Even if you don’t think that you did something wrong, you should apologize for triggering negative emotions in other people.
Yes, you might have not have any bad intentions whatsoever, but, as mentioned before, people have the right to an opinion and most probably a different belief system also.
If you managed to unintentionally offend someone, then say you’re sorry and try not to do it again, at least when they’re around, and especially if you insist on continuing to do whatever you did.
Also, as a personal recommendation, don’t lie about who you are. I do certain things that Adriana does not agree with and vice versa, but we made it very clear that we want to continue to do so, and we don’t hide it from each other. We just agreed not to do those specific things when in the company of the other.
11. You’re exaggerating
There are only two possible cases here: One, your partner already knows they’re exaggerating so telling them that when they’re in a defensive state will just trigger a prompt “No, I’m not!” Second, they themselves don’t think that they’re exaggerating so, again, telling them that they are will just trigger the same reaction.
In either case, you’re not helping. If you think that your partner is exaggerating, then I suggest that you use your observation as a personal trigger to calm down. The conversation has probably escalated to a point in which no one can win, so your best bet is to either say or do something to bring it back to earth.
The easiest way I found is to look deep into your partner’s eyes and remind yourself that you love that person. War does not end with war. War ends with peace. Remember that “You come in peace.”
From both my personal experience and whilst working with other people, I can tell you that none of the above mentioned words help your relationship to grow. They are toxic for your love and might prove fatal for your relationship.
Decide today to stop using such words and, whenever you catch yourself saying them: Cool down, catch your breath, say you’re sorry, and find a better way to communicate your feelings.
I hope this article was helpful and I wish you a wonderful day!
Creating a better tomorrow,