A few months ago, I’ve written an article on how to find the perfect partner. The article itself got many likes and shared, and I’ve been very pleasantly surprised by the amount of positive feedback I received for it.
But some of the feedback I felt was very interesting. People would say things like: “Great article! I liked it! But there is one problem… I seem to always ‘bump’ into the wrong people.”
Or another case was: “Loved the article! I think it would be very helpful, but what if you’re already in a relationship and don’t know if it’s the right one?”
Uhh… People just love to find the sweet spots, don’t you think? But that’s exactly how it should be. The questions we ask ourselves are very important and, many times, determine our level of success. So my goal was to take those comments and use them to provide even more value to the (awesome) people that read this blog! (Yes, you’re included!) As Charles R. Swindoll said:
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
Today I’m going to provide an answer to both these problems. It might not be the best one, but it’s the result of what I’ve learned through several years working with others to help them find and keep the person they love. (including myself)
Step 1: Go to places of YOUR interest
Do you expect to find the man/woman of your dreams in a bar? Seriously? You shouldn’t expect to find a successful manager or even business owner in an underground bar, nor should you expect to find someone that watched TV or plays video games all day at a prestigious conference. It just does not work that way.
The owner has no time to spend in a bar, nor does the gamer have time for a “stupid conference.” They simply have different interests. Of course, this does not make one superior to the other, not even a bit.
We all do whatever makes us happy, and you want someone that has similar goals and interests as you do, so that you can be happy *together*. (More on that in a moment)
Do you like dogs? Well, I’m sure there’s a Facebook group of local dog lovers. Love the piano? Go to concerts! Whatever you prefer, just be sure to participate in social activities of your interest. This will highly increase your chances of finding someone that likes or dislikes some of the same things as you do.
Neither is it very probable that you will meet “the one” in your living room. Especially if you don’t organize frequent events with people you’ve never met. Today, the Internet makes it easier to find and keep in touch with people through email or live chat, but I personally think that there’s nothing like the real thing.
Even if you’re an introvert and prefer to spend most of your time alone or with the least amount of people around, you should still try to open your horizons from time to time by seeing new places and meeting new people. As Saint Augustine of Hippo said:
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.
Of course, every person has their own vices. Even if you have common interests, they might have certain characteristics that you simply don’t feel comfortable with. But that’s why (1) you write the list we talked about in the previous article, and (2) you follow the next few steps.
Step 2: Be yourself. Integrity first.
Do you honestly want to be with someone that falls in love with you for what you’re NOT?! If you don’t like dogs, don’t act like you do! If you just love to travel, but the other person loves to stay home all day, think twice! Please.
I’m saying this because your decision of being together will make both you and your partner unhappy. And no, the “If he/she doesn’t like it, I’ll make them like it!” mentality does not serve anyone, even if you believe that your way of being is better.
Keep the promises you make. Don’t tell someone you’ll call them if you have no intention to do so, or don’t invent things about yourself that aren’t aligned with who you really are. (Note: Who you would like to be is a goal, not yet a reality)
It’s also SUPER demoralizing when you have a certain opinion about someone and then, weeks, month or maybe even years later, you find out that they’re not really like that. I’m sure that you wouldn’t like to experience such an event, so please don’t make someone else go through it. It’s not nice.
Step 3: Love freely.
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a million time: “I don’t trust/open up anymore because *add any lame excuse here*.”
Oh, come on! You had a bad experience with someone that you were not compatible with in one way or another, and because of that you stop yourself from loving others freely. You lock yourself up in your little imaginary box and stay there until “someone with the key comes along.”
Please… 99% of everyone we know has had at least one less-fortunate experience (probably several). The only one you’re hurting with this attitude is yourself (and the person that would otherwise love you for who you are). Don’t let the past control your future.
It would aid you much more if you think of your ex(s) as a “teacher.” One way or the other they taught you what you DON’T want and you now also have a better clue about what you DO want. Not to mention that you probably got some great insight on yourself in the process.
You learn from your past experiences and that’s it. Don’t expect to receive love before you give it. Anyone can take, so show your strength and be prepared to give.
Suggestion: Be patient.
Even if you’re 30, 40 of even 50, you still have at least a good 20 years ahead of you!! Why all the rush? There are pluses and minuses of both being in a relationship and being single.
Love isn’t something you “rush” into. Even if you feel the “love at first sight” sensation, remember that sometimes nightmares are dressed in daydreams.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t “experiment.” Not at all! Meet people, get to know them better, or even very well, go on trips together if you want to, go out, or whatever. Just have fun.
ANYONE can get along, but do they want to?
Put me in a room with someone for a long period of time and, almost without exception, we’ll become the best of friends. You, me, or anyone else for that matter, can get along with others, if they want to. You already knew this, I’m just reminding you.
What truly keeps two people together “forever” are just four things: An alignment of beliefs, an alignment of goals, a harmony between needs and the use of the adequate love language. That’s it.
If you strongly believe that women and men should be equals in all things, but the person you’re talking to believe either that men are superior (huh, what a joke…) or that they are entitled to be “kept” without contributing to the family, then you have a serious case of “Beliefius Missalignmentis.”
If you your goal is to travel the world, meet new people and experience as many different things as possible, but the vision of a perfect day of the person on the other side of the table is to just come home, eat, watch TV and drink a few beers, then you’re faced with “Goalsus Differentus”
If you feel a strong need for more certainty and security in your life, but the person you’re with couldn’t be more unpredictable or volatile, then again, we’re looking at “Needsia Unmetsis”
And finally, if you believe that love is shown through words of appreciation, but your partner couldn’t care less about what you say, but rather only about what you DO (or vice-versa), then it’s a very, very common case of “Lovelengua Missmachomia”
Of course, any and even all of these relationship “illnesses” CAN be cured. The utmost important thing you can do is to communicate. But don’t just do the talking or become all defensive when your partner does not agree with you goals. That’s obviously not the way to go.
Put yourself in a state of unconditional love and acceptance before any such discussion. Invest ten times more energy into understanding, than in judging. You don’t need to agree with the other person, nor even remain in the same relationship, but you can at least learn to accept them for who they decide to be.
Beliefs can be changes, new goals can be set, needs can be creatively met and a love language can be learned. To help you out, I will leave you with link to the beliefs I live by, my life goals and aspirations, the six human needs and the five love languages.
My beliefs and goals are my own, but you can use those articles and learn how to set yours, whereas the six human needs and the five love languages are universal. Everyone has them.
Lastly, I would just like to mention that many people say it’s “Game over!” after you enter a serious relationship, but I couldn’t disagree more. I personally feel that I “Got an upgrade!” and that the real game has just begun!
Life’s moments are beautiful when you learn how to enjoy them and *outstanding* when you learn how to share them. (Uh, I hope that become a famous quote!)
Creating a better (and happier) tomorrow,